Oh Look, I’m Being Impulsive

This blog was an impulsive creation.

And at the same time, it wasn’t. I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a personal blog (not professional, not business-related, not for book promotion or a client or anything like that; just for me) for some time now, and tonight while playing around with my guitar, it struck me how my desperate need to have everything be perfect has been a huge hindrance.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t managed to do anything with my life–I’ve honestly done plenty that I’m proud of and happy with. Things like getting my degree,  publishing a short story in the Manifest Reality anthology, as well as a book on writing, starting my business, completing several novels, and a bunch of other little things that matter to me.

I pursue my dreams. I fight for what I want. I go after what I desire. It’s good.

I’ve lived. I’ve been. I’ve faced fears and overcome hardships and triumphed over challenges.

I just want to be better at it.

I want to be more of what I am and less of what holds me back.

Because for everything I’ve done, there are a hundred things I’ve been too afraid to do. Things I’ve been researching to death so I can “get ready” before I start on them. Things I’ve been circling without ever acting on. And, worst of all, things I’ve cut myself off from completely for a myriad of reasons that don’t matter, because the end result is the same: I don’t get to do the things I want to do.

And the good news is that I see it. I’m catching myself in these moments. I’m aware of them. That, in my experience, is the key to growth. To a better life.

Reminds me of this:

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I am probably always going to have sidewalks with holes in them, but I’m getting better at navigating, and better at understanding when I’ve fallen.

And the whole point of this blog is to encourage that. The living of life in all its imperfection. The doing, rather than the planning. It’s to create a space where I can do things while embracing the imperfection, rather than fighting against it. Making the flaws part of the beauty of the thing. It’s to encourage me to let myself be as I am, what I am, where I am, without worrying that I’m not who I want to be just yet.

It’s about the journey, not the destination.

So the things I post here will be…imperfect. As all things are. But the thing here is that I am going to work on embracing the imperfection, rather than being bothered by it. I’ll still strive to make good work, but I’m not allowed to edit it to death. I’m not allowed to hold it back until it’s “ready”. I have to put it out there–good, not great. A little rough around the edges A little wonky. A little messy and flawed and imperfect. Just like me.

I don’t expect anyone to really read this, but I like the idea of documenting it on a blog. There’s an accountability to it. And an organization. There’s a “putting it out there” energy that is so contrary to my instincts of hiding everything.

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And on the off-chance that anyone else struggling with this finds it and feels a little less alone, a little less afraid, a little less trapped by their perfectionism…well, if there’s even a slim chance of that, then I don’t really have the right to keep this to myself, do I?

So. Here we go.

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